Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, it checks itself out in its own mirrors.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, rear.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, electric blue interior.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, the "other good side."

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, crap yourself.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, Yosemite Sam "back off" mud flaps not available at launch.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, actually, this is the inner cavity of a Terminator. No wait, it’s the Atlas.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, the buttons are made for work gloves.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, rear.

Stock photo of the most manly creation of mankind, from a ladder.

Co.Design

The Ford Atlas Is The Inevitable Near Future Of Masculinity

A sneak peek into one of the manliest trucks ever conceived by mankind.

Sorry. You weren’t born in time to see the cyborgs--not the cool ones at least, the ones that smoke and wear better clothes than you, and are really good at ping-pong, like, unbeatably freaking good. Here’s a tip: Never watch two cyborgs play ping-pong. The match will last all freaking night. And there you are, thinking you might get lucky with that smoking, hipster cyborg chick. But she’s got an axe to grind. She was all-state in ping cyber pong. She runs on some nuclear antimatter hybrid engine. You ate an organic Amy’s Bowl for dinner. It was only like 400 calories, but 150 calories were from fat. So who knows how much fuel’s in your tank tonight. A calorie’s a calorie, but fat is fat, too.

No, you were born a bit too early to witness this scene. Not even way too early--because pretty soon, we’ll unlock the secrets to aging and all live forever, and then you can wait around all freaking day for the cyborgs. Well, not you you. I mean the rhetorical you. You’re screwed. (The real you. The rhetorical you is just dandy.)

So what do you you get?

You get this Ford Atlas concept, the most masculinity a man or someone who really wants to feel like a man can almost buy (because it is just a concept). It doesn’t hover or whatever, so don’t even ask if it flies. But it will tow. It will drive through medium-sized puddles. And it will intelligently turn off the engine when you’re stuck in traffic (because no matter how masculine your truck is, it still answers to traffic), but it won’t turn off your engine when you’re towing (because that would be annoying to any sex).

A 360-degree camera sits on top the mantruck. It’ll give you a bird’s-eye panoramic view of everything, but if birds don’t sound very tough to you, that’s only because you’ve forgotten that eagles are technically birds. The Atlas also includes a pair of hidden, four-wheeler-ready cargo ramps and a power cradle that can hold items above the bed just to flaunt how strong it is--sound familiar? And there’s one of those "beep-beep" rear parking- assist systems. It’s not for actual use, though. It’s for punching deep within your dash, grabbing the heart of its computer logic and then biting it, still sparking, in front of some blind date. Meanwhile, you just back full-throttle into the Applebee’s and let physics take its course. Guess someone just got a free door.

The front lights, inner trim, and rear bed also glow blue. If you aren’t man enough to have heard of blue before, know it’s the third-most masculine color in the known universe, right behind black and silver. Blue is technically in a two-way tie for third with chrome, but since the Atlas is comprised in full by black, silver, blue, and chrome, it’s a moot point anyway. So don’t be a dick and call out chrome again, okay? Chrome can handle the implication of fourth place. Chrome knows himself and apparently everybody but you knows chrome.

Rumored specs include a hybrid engine that runs off a 50/50 mix of chew spittle and Five Hour Energy, a glove box that holds actual boxing gloves (bare knuckle is an optional upgrade), a driver’s side chilled seat that increases sperm count, and a rearview mirror that never needs an air-freshener tree because it already smells like Gillette "Cool Wave" after shave by day and the horn of a saddle by night.

So that’s all I’ve got for you--a truck that doesn’t quite exist to fill that hole in your heart left by a cyborg almost-girlfriend who most certainly won’t exist (for you you). But hopefully it’s enough. It has to be enough.

Ford Atlas

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23 Comments

  • Ford Representative

    I think this vehicle looks gorgeous. It's quite outstanding even though the exterior is relatively reserved. Masculine is a 1988 Hilux, boxy and functional.
    It must be making you lot feel quite insecure or something, what the hell do you guys drive? Prius' or just bicycles? Freakin' hippies.

  • Thepixies1973

    Jesus, I don't think it's possible to have a cock small enough to drive this...

  • Phil Sexton

    Rough crowd. This article is funny. There isn't really much to say about a newer version of the F-150. I definitely wouldn't classify it as a "concept car". At most I would say this truck boasts a couple "concept features". Concept cars should showcase the forward thinking vision that the engineers at Ford have, not next years model.

  • Marc

    Masculinity is about responsibility and integrity - and not cheap oversized crap. This clownish monster truck represents small dicks trying hard to look 2 inches bigger.

  • terrence

    i like blue, and the chrome oh em gee, i was quite blown away multiple times

    just think about it, more sperm!

    yay!

  • Gusttavopv

    At first, when I saw the ford picture and then read the title I was like: bullshit.   So I let got off it until now: I believe two days.  Anyhow, I then decided to read the comments and follow up and find: [some]  idiots wishing to find "coherent thoughts" about design on this piece of turd that has been polished (hint: you can polish a turd). 

  • Guest

    I thought the article was humorous and cleverly written.  Who cares if not EVERY article on Fast Co is serious and to the point.

    And stop complaining about what a waste of time the article was, because you read it in the first place AND you've just wasted everyone's time with your mindless lamenting.

  • Patrick Reardon

    I'm a contractor and I know trucks. I also know most of the assholes that get behind the wheel of these things. I got sick of shoveling snow out the back, getting my tools stolen from the back, the gas bill, the 'macho' mentality and the sheer cost of running a big machine like this. And for what? To be a man? 

    A very very stupid man. 

  • Alexchatham

    Well. I'm going to mention something about the actual truck here, which is that it looks like every pick up truck concept that Ford comes out with, like the Super Chief. I dont think that there's anything futuristic about individuals owning industrial sized trucks.

    I think that Mark's sarcastic writing is appropriate for this mindless Ford concept.

  • bb

    Wow. Not the kind of writing I've come to expect from FC... The author is trying way too hard to be cute at the expense of actually communicating.

  • Guest

    Somebody forget to take their ADD meds, what a terribly hard to read, disjointed article.

  • MacGoo

    Wow Mark. You're on a roll today - first the Model X and now this? Someone is bitter that they're spending their Friday writing about vehicles...perhaps this belongs on a Gawker site, rather than here where we'd rather hear constructive critique.