The then-vs.-now hotseat here is really Margaret White: Feel free to consider this emoji a stand-in for both Piper Laurie and Julianne Moore, both scaaaary in the role. But the rest is all 1976. Tommy Ross is a big yellow flower, because I had to do something to show that hair--alone an argument for the original over the remake. (I mean, just look at gloriously '70s-maned William Katt and squint. Daisy!) Though brunette, the little brooding slumped-over girl was just too spot-on for Carrie to discriminate based on hair color. Plus, the blond with the little princess crown works perfectly for spoiled-brat Chris.

Carrie gets her period in the locker room shower. She starts screaming because she doesn't know what it is, and the girls all torment her, yelling "plug it up!" I left out the nudity in this scene not out of censorship but because there are no really good boobs emoji, abstract or representational. But the big red dot does work well here (and menstruation a first for Emoji Major): Period?!

Ms. Desjardin has the girls run laps to repent--and in order to keep their prom privileges. (That emoji shoe conveniently looks right out of '70s P.E. class.) Chris tries to refuse and start a mutiny. When she turns to Sue for support, she receives a sassy "Shut up, Chris" instead.

Here, Mr. Morton, the assistant principal, reads aloud a poem by Tommy Ross (told you he's a pretty flower!). Carrie remarks that it's "beautiful." Morton and the class laugh cruelly at her until Tommy steps in and says, in his poet's way with words, "Not cool."

In this scene, Chris Hargensen and her boyfriend drive to a farm, kill a pig, and collect the blood in a bucket. Because that's what you do. It's a disgusting slaughter-as-sport moment that paints them both both as evil creeps. I like how the emoji amplify the sin of their deed--because the closeup of the pig face they kill is especially adorable, like a pink puppy.

And the iconic scene, where Chris and Billy tip the bucket of pig blood onto Carrie. Tommy yells "What the hell?!" (silently and in slo-mo in the old movie, out loud and comically bro-ishly in the new one). Then the bucket dramatically falls on his big fluffy head and knocks him dead. Purple devils triumph.

Carrie goes ham, locks everyone in the gym, and kills them by banging stuff around with her telekinetic powers. Fire! Fire!

SOS = Save Our Stupid use of YouTube in the remake, so heavy-handed on Modern Technology + Bullying.

Carrie returns home a bloody mess after her rampage (red emoji footprints a gift!). She searches the house fruitlessly for her mother and then takes a long, symbolic bath, while Margaret prepares to kill the devil that's in her daughter.

Margaret disturbingly appears out of nowhere and the two have a mother-daughter kneel and pray session. In the new version, Julianne Moore's Margaret always seem on the verge of stabbing her daughter to death. This apparently began for her with the horrendous new opening birthing scene, where she nearly murders Carrie immediately upon delivery. In the original, when Piper Laurie pulls the knife, it's a frightening surprise. The two fight until Carrie has her mother crucified against a wall, impaled by every sharp object available in the room (in the vocabulary of emoji, one knife).

The house burns down and collapses around them. They die. The end. Except the remake chooses to add a scene where Sue EXPLAINS that Carrie was a tormented girl "just like the rest of us" who was pushed past her breaking point, in case you didn't get that.


Emoji Major No. 11: "Carrie," Then And Now (In Emoji)

How do you say "bucket of pig's blood" in emoji? This week, spooked by the new Carrie, Zoe Mendelson goes to '70s prom.

Carrie kills me. The 1976 classic movie is really good, and Brian De Palma made it beautiful. I feel this more strongly than ever, having just seen it because the Kimberly Peirce remake that opened Friday—a so-2013 Hollywood production involving teenagers and a lot of red syrup—made me crave a quality film with something to say (about adolescence and being an outsider).

But back to the new one, in Halloween emoji spirit, I had to check it out. The story's an American classic, it was Stephen King's first published novel, and a lot of effort went into the viral trailer video (emoji version below):

After seeing the completely out-of-hand gruesome, really just nasty (WHY do we need extended close-ups of gnarly bodily wounds ever?!) remake and getting so thoroughly disturbed I had to take a long walk and then watch three episodes of The Office over a glass of whisky to get myself to go to sleep, I managed to let it go and make myself watch the original. It dances elegant circles around current Carrie.

So I bring you an alternative remake: Carrie Way Smaller.

Some elements of the movie(s) were difficult to translate to emoji, namely the key character: blood. So. Much. Blood. All I really had to work with here are 1) the syringe (which had its big emoji break in the titular role of Emoji Major No. 1, the Breaking Bad premiere "Blood Money"); 2) tiny red triangles pointing up and down; and 3) a big red circle. They make the scenes pretty abstract and almost—almost—point to a fatal limit of emoji for long-form storytelling. I couldn’t convey that the blood was ON Carrie or anyone else, which is basically the most crucial visual of the second half of the movie. So now we know: Emoji don’t do prepositions all that well. (You know how I feel about breaking emoji character and using words; I'm talking to you, Katy Perry.)

The emoji in the slide show above are enacting the De Palma vision, because I didn't want to send you, too, to The Office—to detox and to see an example of a remake that rises to meet the original instead, rather than slumping into a pool of blood.

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