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Xbox One Game Gets Breast Physics Comically Wrong

What the? I don't even... A new game for the Xbox One gets breast physics comically wrong.

There's a scene in Judd Apatow's 2005 romantic comedy The 40-Year-Old-Virgin in which Steve Carrell, the titular virgin, tries to bluff his friends about his lack of sexual experience by describing breasts as feeling like "bags of sand."

Apparently, a similar conversation recently happened at the offices of video game developer Crytek as they designed their new Xbox One game, Ryse: Son Of Rome, except there was no one in the room who knew what breasts were actually like to set the record straight. "Breasts are just bags of water, right?" some designer must have said. "So just make them move like water balloons?" And then everyone nodded and Microsoft wrote Crytek a big check.

How else to explain this awful cutscene from the equally awful Ryse?

In it, the character, Marius Titus, is offered a chance at avenging the deaths of his family by an unnamed goddess. Like many women in video games, the goddess favors a neckline that plunges roughly past her knees. This is barely worth commenting upon: the oculoplania of many game developers is so acute that they live their lives like Tex Avery cartoon characters, which is why they design their female characters as if they photosynthesized sunlight through their sternums.

But have you ever seen breasts that move like that? You can't blame technology for this. The Xbox One is a brand new video game console packing some decidedly next-gen silicon. Crytek, meanwhile, is a company primarily known for its ability to make powerful game engines with realistic graphics, advanced lighting and lifelike physics.

So yes, both Crytek and the Xbox One can render the female bosom accurately. Yet despite this, Crytek has apparently made the conscious decision to model the game's breasts after a couple of water balloons floating in zero gravity.

Artless nudity and gratuitous sexuality isn't anything new in gaming, of course. In the 1980s, a developer called Mystique released a universally offensive rape and genocide simulator for the Atari 2600 called Custer's Revenge featuring one of the first depictions of nudity in a video game: a naked 8-bit squaw tied to a pole. And in the 1990s, the popular Tomb Raider series featured a heroine, Lara Croft, whose breasts were literally bigger than her head. So it's depressing, but oh-so-typical, that the only reason Ryse's casually misogynistic approach to female sexuality is worthy of comment at all is because the guys behind it were so inexplicably inept in rendering the same.

But that's also what is so funny about it. Ryse is the most technologically advanced game available right now. Crytek spent thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in an attempt to create a perfectly immersive virtual world to captivate players. Despite this, all it took for the illusion to come crashing down was a plunging neckline and a farcical pair of undulating boobs. Maybe the most pressing reason for game developers to abandon the pre-pubescent notions of female sexuality so prevalent in the industry is so they all stop accidentally revealing their sexual inexperience in general?

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  • warjan

    What worries me even more is why Marius Titus (character from Ryse) doesn't have a Roman nose and instead looks like a senior american football player.

  • Mick

    Wow, what a self-important piece of bullcrap. Was this about the dumb breast physics, or about how much your opinion of everything is the definitive word?

  • MajorDiarrhea

    She's a goddess? I figure her boobs move to that degree in that slow-mo manner because magic.

  • spigzone

    Not so much unrealistic physics as exaggerated, as if she were toe heeling it with more vertical motion.

  • Fabian Galon

    Oh for fucks sake, there are genuine gender equality issues in games but this is just a load of click bait. Check your facts and stop blowing smoke. Arse gravy like this does more damage than good.

  • mngtr

    Do people who play this game even know how boobs are supposed to move? If they're just as clueless as the developer, this probably won't pose as a problem.

  • Sammy

    You mean like 300 men rerunning around in speedos and a cape in the movie 300? That historically depicts Spartans right? The outrage! Objectifying men like that.

  • NachoKingP

    Lara Croft's boobs were NOT bigger than her head. Everything else is spot on though LOL

  • teamboobmonster

    Somebody, call in Team Ninja ASAP. We need this atrocity in breast physics fixed stat!
    .... Cryteck + Team Ninja = BEST Graphically rendered boobs EVER! That version of DOA Beach Volleyball will never let High end PCs run the same way again with that detail of epic boobage. And just throw in some nano-suit bathing suits to keep the Crysis fans happy.

  • Matthew Bryant

    Maybe her boobs have springs? Jello injections? I dunno... They look kind of blotchy anyway.

  • Tomáš Kapler

    you wrote the answer: "Crytek spent thousands of man-hours ". Probably not a single woman-hour or an hour of a man who have seen a woman breast (mums not counting)

  • Chris Evans

    there are actually entire female characters in Ryse concepted, modeled, and rigged by females. The Oracle in Ryse for instance, but that would have meant having to play the game and do legwork, not just copy another story :)

  • DNA

    So did the author get in an argument about how breasts move with someone after playing this game and then posts a long-ass article explaining why it's funny? Why does this article exist?

    Comedy is, you don't explain it.

  • Stephen Abbott

    Yeah, I'm sure this will TOTALLY ruin the game for most guys. Totally.