Let’s say you have a girlfriend, and she gets irritated because you can’t do the bare minimum by sending a text once a day to ask how she’s doing. Enter BroApp. It’s a “clever relationship wingman” that automatically messages your girlfriend with pre-canned thoughts and sentiments.
When you install BroApp on your Android phone, you are asked to give the name and number of your girlfriend. From there, you can select from an assortment of messages that will randomly and automatically get texted to her on certain days of the week and at specific times, like when you arrive at the office in the morning.
To make sure she doesn’t catch on, BroApp has a number of fail-safes so that she’s not contacted at inappropriate moments. If you’ve sent her a text in the last hour, for example, BroApp won’t send a prescheduled text, lest it give away your ruse. You can even set up Wi-Fi-based geofences so that messages aren’t automatically sent to your girlfriend when it detects you are in her home, or other locations where you’re likely to be together.
As an app that cleverly juggles Android’s various permission mechanisms to simulate the absolute bare minimum some nematode could do to avoid getting dumped, BroApp is an impressive spectacle (or a really elaborate joke). Consider the following:
• The app’s color scheme is a shade of yellow so successful in inducing blinding migraines that many libraries use it as a way to discourage vagrants from nodding off in their restrooms.
• Just like the drunken meathead who has slumped his arm over your shoulder at the bar and is currently airing out his Axe-drenched armpit mere inches from your nostril, BroApp insists upon referring to the end user as “Bro” on literally every single screen.
• Pronounced phonetically, even the name of the app sounds like the disgusting in-your-face belch of a Foster’s-chugging frat boy: “Brrrrrr(o)aaaaaaaaaaap!”
The creators claim in the frequently asked questions section of the official BroApp website that their respective girlfriends never figured out that the pre-canned texts squirted out to them once a day were automated. This despite the fact that during prototype testing, one of the girlfriends of the app’s developers sent him a text “Worst day ever” only to get an automated text from BroApp an hour later asking, “How is your day?”
I’ve got a better theory. She has her own app and she uses it to automatically simulate a relationship with all the frat bros she gave her number to, but never cared enough about to break up with in person.
BroApp is available now on Google Play for $1.99.